Monday, December 29, 2008
Message in a Fruitcake
Ever wonder about the meanings behind gifts? Certain presents convey benevolent thoughts: flowers can say "I love you," "I'm sorry," or "Get well soon," candies say, "I think you're sweet," and a food basket can announce, "Welcome to the neighborhood." Gift cards from credit card companies or popular stores are a kind way of saying: "You're too picky to shop for," or "I have no idea what to get you." But there is no mistaking the hostility hidden in a gift of holiday fruitcake. Nothing says "I hate your guts" more than this weighty weapon posing as holiday cheer. Is there even an appropriate response to such an abominable offering? My most honest reply would be, "Gee, thanks for this rock-hard coagulation of petrified fruit. I'll keep it by my bed in case I need something heavy to throw at a burglar." A fruitcake is a passive-agressive gift if there ever was one, a way of saying "go to hell" under the guise of generosity. Don't be fooled by the festive wrapping or the inclusion of the word "cake" in its title. There is nothing remotely cake-like about this phony dessert with its brick-like texture. I've heard the joke about there being only one fruitcake in the world and how it keeps being passed around through re-gifting. It seems more likely that all the fruitcakes in the world were made at the same time, circa 1800. As long as there are malicious people in this world unable to say "f**k you" to your face, there will be givers of fruitcakes. If you truly despise someone and you're too lazy to slash their tires, throw eggs at their window, or spraypaint profanities on their property, consider doing this instead: show up at their house with a shit-eating smile, belt out a Christmas carol completely out of tune, and present them with this centuries-old way of saying, "drop dead." I'm relieved that no bomb-laden fruitcakes have arrived for me, but that doesn't mean my enemies are idle. I'm likely to be hit in the face with a pumpkin pie by any of those who disliked my previous commentary entitled "Pumpkin Pie Controversy."
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Can I give you a fruitcake?
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteTututigress,
ReplyDeleteI'm coming to the defense of this mistreated and misunderstood item. I have had my share of store bought fruit cakes which were made months ago, (maybe even from last year!), stored on shelves and bought by shoppers trying to find a last minute gift for a co worker or someone they forgot.
However, I've also been blessed by having some home made versions of these which were made with tender loving care. They did not have the texture of a dried out sponge which soaks all the moisture out of your body and dried out rocks. They were moisture and the fruits were fresh with flavor and delight.
To make a worthy fruit cake the way it was meant to be takes a lot of work and talent to do. Few people are so incline to do so. (Including me.) However, blessed are those who have a neighbor, friend, or relative whose given the fresh homemade versions of these misunderstood items.