Pumpkin Pie Controversy

My friend JP is trying to repeal a ban against pumpkin pie, protesting that it’s unjust and unfair. It's not unjust and unfair if you understand the rationale behind the proposition banning this unsavory concoction. Pumpkins are a species of squash, which is a subset of the vegetable family. Pies belong in the dessert classification designed to breed with sweet flavors such as fruit, chocolate, custard, or my personal favorite: whipped cream. People who like pumpkin pie are usually the same ones who enjoy pineapple in their pizza, another atrocious union that should be banned. In the past, certain cross-breeding experiments have produced wonderful offspring: carrot cake, zucchini bread, chicken pot pie, to name a few. But let not these exceptions open the door to distasteful gastronomic marriages in the name of culinary diversity. In deference to my Chinese heritage, I admit that my people have introduced controversial creations such as sweet and sour pork, egg rolls that contain no eggs, and bird’s nest soup. Who am I to throw stones when I come from a culinary tradition that includes cow intestines, chicken feet, and nameless other animal parts. I guess it all comes down to tenure and power. The pumpkin pie lobby is young and poorly funded. It struggles for recognition alongside groups like “Citizens for Chocolate Covered Brussel Sprouts” and “Cauliflower Candy Corps.” To prove that I am not blatantly prejudiced against pumpkins as a minority group, I have in the past enjoyed pumpkin seeds, pumpkin ravioli, and pureed pumpkin soup. I can embrace individual constituents without subscribing to the whole party line. Give it up, pumpkin pie lobbyists. In life, love, and political food fights, you can’t win them all.