A Stalker's Life

If you think a stalker’s life is one-dimensional, think again. Few people appreciate the complex multi-tasking required to fulfill a stalker’s role. Here are some tips for effective stalking:

Stalkers need a paying job with flexible hours. They must be available at a moment’s notice to eat at restaurants not of their own choosing, watch movies they would otherwise not see, or go to stores where they have nothing to buy. Whether you’re crashing a formal party or digging through your victim’s trash and recycling bins, stalking is the most exhausting job you will ever love.

Stalking is not cheap. Prepare a budget for the necessary tools of the trade. You’re going to need a cell phone plan with unlimited minutes for all those long messages you’re going to leave on your victim’s voice mail. I recommend signing with the same cell phone provider as your victim so that you can take advantage of in-network, mobile to mobile calls. Other necessities include: a car with tinted windows, binoculars, a camera with telephoto lens, sunglasses, hats, wigs, and reading material to make you look busy when you’re sitting in public places. You might also want to hire a stylist to help you create different looks with your wardrobe, hair, and accessories. No respectable stalker wants to be caught in the same disguise twice.

In the old days, stalking was looked down upon as unskilled labor. Nowadays, stalkers need to be tech savvy enough to hack into computer systems and use spy-ware. Not to mention all those burglar alarm systems they have to learn to disable.

Stalkers need to stay in good physical shape. They never know when they need to jump over fences, rappel off rooftops, or run from the police. A stalker never leaves home without a first aid kit in case they get injured on the job.

No one understands the adage, “home is where the heart is” more than a stalker. Relocating to new cities on the trail of your victim is an expected part of the job.

Contrary to popular opinion, stalkers do possess social skills. The best ones use their charm to gather intelligence by chatting up their victim’s friends, family, neighbors, hairstylist, manicurist, personal trainer, even the mailman.

When stalkers feel frustrated by obstacles or slow progress, they relax by prowling Facebook for new victims to add to their friends list.

Stalkers are not needy for praise and recognition for a job well done. They understand that stalking is its own reward.

So far, I’ve mentioned financial stability, technical expertise, agility, versatility, endurance, commitment, and resourcefulness. How many people do you know who have all these qualities, plus love in their heart? Friends come and go, family members can disown you, and mates can betray you, but your stalker is the one person you can count on to love you forever. Have you hugged your stalker today?